The hardest part for me is the “impending doom” as i call it.
It feels like there leaves no room for happiness at all.
This is what happens:
On the times where Im feeling better, more confident, more content with myself. When I haven’t had a nightmare, or a panic attack in a little bit this dark cloud just slowly floats over me.
Something bad is about to happen. Its to peaceful. My mind will start racing non stop for days. Things that I haven’t struggled with in while resurface. I start checking behind all the doors, im constantly pacing. I shake everytime i hear a very quiet noise. Something terrible is about to happen, and im not going to see it coming.
This happens because when I was attacked, I didn’t see it coming. It would NEVER have been him. This would never happen to me. I didn’t have time to react. So im so used to my paranoia and bad things happening at this point, that when I go a week or so with stability and some growth, i wait. Its coming. Whatever it is, its coming. And i cant be happy until it happens. I can’t breathe until whatever it is, happens.
Some Days i do sit and wait to die.
That’s a very difficult thing to publicly admit.
You can’t possibly understand but some nights, my brain goes back to how I felt when I was on the ground and i knew I was dying. I go back to that a lot and some nights I just know its about to happen and i’ll sit and wait for it to happen. Its terrifying.
How do you get better when you feel your worst when things are better?