I’m an onion.

I talked before about about PTSD having so many layers. Its not just simply “fear” its so much. It comes and it goes.
I’m watching Dancing With The Stars, and it hits me. That layer starts to peel back, that dark cloud comes.
I cant write what happened in my head.

It’s very graphic and disturbing, and it involved my kids. It just came to my head and it wont go away.

What triggered it? I laughed. With Caden. We told jokes for about an hour. I laughed so hard, my happy was on high, and I crashed so bad from it. I just got done crying and I am just in pieces about this. Im kind of used to the fears of people hurting me, and someone’s in my house and things like that. But this? Its not fair.

Like fine. I wont have friends. I wont go anywhere. I wont do anything that makes me feel like ill be punished for trying to live. But I cant stop loving and laughing with my kids. I was punished for it. You can’t change my mind about it.

I have my doTERRA oils diffusing. I have things on TV to deflect my thoughts but all I want to do is wake up my kids and hug them and tell them how much I love them. THIS i feel is the most disgusting, terrible, disease of a symptom. THIS alone is the worst thing I experience. You cannot control what comes in your thoughts. It comes out of nowhere and there is no making it go way, you deal with it. No matter how awful it is. I try SO HARD to live my life happily, and when i am happy i am punished in some way.

I wish he knew the things in my head, and the long term damage its done to my brain and how horrified I am by these layers. Yeah, whatever. I have four stab wounds. That’s not where the real damage is.

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