It’s my journal, I can write whatever I want.

Something else that i have to constantly be put through is being the “easy target.”
I will say its been the past year. Not the first year because people hadn’t decided to me cruel to me yet seeing as i had thing like stab wounds and knife cuts across my throat still visible. Time heals all wounds they say. So naturally, the cruelty came.

Anytime anything was wrong.
Anytime someone was upset.
Anytime someone made a mistake.

Christie has PTSD. Christie takes medication. Christie blurs reality. Christie is unfit to parent. Christie can completely control stockholmes syndrome. Christie’s crazy that doesn’t even exist.

The list has gone on and on. Every mistake. Every hardship i reacted wrongly too. Every misstep that i have ever taken, has been held over me. Shoved in my face. I have been chained to these things every. single. day. Because im an easy target. You can get away with anything because people are looking at me.

I have recently gone through a pretty traumatic experience. (I know. Does this end? No. Probably not.)  very dear friend of mine who will remain nameless has been extremely suicidal. To the point where i wasn’t even supposed to know and this person had it planed. What else can you do? How do you save someone who isn’t reaching out. Who will do it when no one is around. You call the cops. And i have twice now. Because it was that serious. And do you know what happened to me?
“Ma’am. What is your mental disorder?
“Ma’am have you ever been baker acted?”
“Ma’am what medications do you take?

This happened because the person i tried so hard to help is a good liar. Put on a great show about how okay they were, and put the spotlight on me and all my problems that had nothing to do with this. But it was enough to make me look crazy, and to make them look fine. Both times.

My question is, do you know what that is like?
Trying everything you can to help someone stay safe and the second they are mad, christie’s crazy. Immediate reaction. All the time. It happens all the time. Mean remarks about “did you take your medication you crazy b word”? Easy. No one will ever listen to you because of what happened to you. Even if you’re trying to help someone.

Calling me a whore for suffering through stockholmes. Still calling me one from that terrible thing happening to me. But i understand now. Because as of recent I have seen that you are the one doing things you shouldn’t. Hiding things. Things you burned me for. You’re doing yourself.

Just because you’re better at hiding things doesn’t meant they won’t be found.
It doesn’t make you a better person then me.
It makes you a coward.
It makes you a bully.
It makes you a liar.
and it makes you a joke.

At the end of the day you are a bully. That makes people suffering, suffer more.
You’re a fake. You have no compassion in you, anywhere.
And I won’t be a target anymore.

I’ve tried to hold onto my humanity, and the compassion that i used to have in my previous life. its slowly slipping. I’m getting angrier and angrier. The injustice in my world.

I better get used it right?









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