When I write in here, i feel like im writing to him. Getting it all out. I haven’t been writing because most of the time im not sure even trying to get closure to something you cant is healthy. I try to pretend it never happened. UNTIL it pops up everywhere. Every single little part of my life. Every single detail you are woven in.
What you did was just what you did, ya know. Terrible. Cruel. Inhumane. Disgusting. Devastating. Painful. Life ruining. Unforgivable.
Yes. You stabbed me four times. I see the world blurry. You destroyed my hand. My wounds hurts pretty bad, all the time. Im mentally not myself anymore, and never will be again. You’ve destroyed my credit. Something i worked hard to build. You cost me my career. The passion and job I loved so much, the one thing i was good at. Double takes everywhere I go.
There is one thing you’ve effected that has beyond anything. You’ve made me an easy target.
Some people will never get along, they will never be able to be civil with you and they will always find a reason to not get along with you. Ive tried SO hard to be peaceful. Ive tried SO hard to be civil. Ive tried BEYOND to do the best I can to be the best I can for everyone in this specific situation. You know what is is my journal. I received a letter during my immediate recovery when I could hardly move that Cadens father was trying to take him away from me. To Texas. He never spoke to me about it. No “Im so sorry are you okay?” What i got was oh look! An opportunity to taken him away because shes weak! I cannot tell you what I have had to go through to defend myself to hold onto my son. WHY? You got me. Apparently, you being a closet psycho and trying to kill me has said a lot about my character and who i am as a mother and that i deserve to have my son taken away. Do you remember when “Caden” is all i said before you strangled me because he is all i cared about?
Cadens father wasn’t there. He didn’t get the wonderful opportunity to hear that. Or to see me screaming and running and fighting for my life. No, he didn’t see you take a knife ant cut my throat. No. He didn’t see me destroy my hand grabbing the knife he didn’t see me be strangled to death and i am SO ANGRY because maybe if he did he would stop telling me im a product of what YOU did. I never put my son around danger. You were so good to him. People ask me a lot why I didn’t defend myself? Because I was in so much shock. I never saw it coming. If you ever expressed any of these violent and terrible and dangerous attributes I wouldn’t have stayed. I stayed because you were so good to my son. He thinks that im a terrible person because i MUST HAVE put myself in that situation. Its almost a joke. Who puts them self in a situation to get murdered.
I AM NOT A PRODUCT OF YOU.
I AM NOT A VERSION OF YOU.
I AM NOT SICK LIKE YOU.
WHAT YOU DID TO ME DOES MAKE ME SOMEONE WHO DATES MURDERS.
I AM A SURVIVOR OF YOU.
And you’ve hurt my life alot. Because you’ve made me an easy target to insult.
Sometimes words hurt worse then that knife.
You’ve ruined everything I worked so hard for.
It doesn’t seem like it will end.